Atmosphere: A Love Story By Taylor Jenkins Reid - 46

For two weeks, Joan pretended, with every cell in her brain, that she needed time to figure out a plan.

But she knew what she had to do.

Instead, she hid.

She dropped Frances off at school every morning and then scheduled as much time as she could flying. She took any meetings she could off campus. She made appointments to see two-bedroom apartments in Frances’s school district so that she and Frances could be moved in by the new year.

When the phone rang, she let Vanessa leave messages on her machine. And then she called Vanessa only when she knew she’d be out, and left messages on hers.

She took Frances to pick out a Christmas tree, to buy ornaments. The two of them decorated it together. As they did, Frances asked if Joan would be willing to talk to her class about going to space.

Joan was thrilled to be asked, thrilled by the idea of making Frances proud. “Of course!” she said. But she could not feel the joy she knew was in her.

She was numb to almost everything.

Except for those moments in the middle of the night, while Frances slept but Joan could not. It was only then that she gave in to the profound sorrow, and wept as quietly as she could.

She had known from the moment she’d left Antonio’s office what had to come next. And she could not bear it.

It had been easy to avoid Vanessa at first, because Vanessa’s schedule was incredibly intense. She was only weeks out from her mission. But then, as Vanessa got more insistent about seeing Joan before leaving, it suddenly wasn’t easy at all.

“So I’ll come over the night before I leave,” Vanessa said when Joan finally picked up the phone. “Because I have to see you both just one more time.”

“Right, of course,” Joan said.

“Is everything okay?” Vanessa asked.

“Yeah, everything’s great. We’re excited to see you,” Joan said as she found herself agreeing to what felt like her own execution.

That night, Vanessa cheerfully brought over a pizza and helped Frances with her homework as Joan’s heart raged in her chest.

Tomorrow morning, Hank, Griff, Lydia, Steve, and Vanessa would all fly to Cape Canaveral to begin preparations for their mission at the end of the month. Maybe this could wait until Vanessa came back.

The three of them played a game of Scrabble in which Joan could think of no good moves and Vanessa kept looking at her, confused.

“You didn’t notice you could put the q in ‘quit’ on the triple letter score?” she asked Joan.

“Oh,” Joan said. “Sorry.”

“Better for me!” Frances said, using Joan’s q to play “queue” with the rest of her tiles and win the whole thing.

“All right, babe,” Joan said. “Brush teeth, get your pajamas on, and I’ll be in to kiss you good night in a moment.”

Frances went into the bedroom.

“Okay, what’s going on?” Vanessa said.

“Hm?” Joan cleared the table. But as she walked by Vanessa, Vanessa took her arm.

“Joan, what is going on?” Vanessa said again.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Joan said.

“Joanie!” Frances called out. “Can you help me roll out my bed?”

Joan went into the bedroom and set up the futon. She tucked her in and said good night.

When she shut the door behind herself, Vanessa was leaning against the kitchen counter, staring at her.

“Jo,” Vanessa said. “What is going on? I’m serious.”

Joan closed her eyes. When she opened them, her jaw was tight. “I think, with Frances here, this is not going to work,” she said finally.

The sound of the words coming out of her mouth shocked her, even though she had rehearsed them for days. She threw her head into her hands.

“What are you talking about?” Vanessa said.

“How are we going to do this?” Joan said. “I will never be able to spend the night at your house. You won’t be able to spend the night at mine. I think . . . it’s not realistic. Anymore. You and me.”

Vanessa tensed her jaw; her eyes went glassy, and Joan wanted to die.

Vanessa pursed her lips and nodded. “And when did you decide this?” she said.

“I’ve been thinking it since Thanksgiving,” Joan said.

“You’re lying,” Vanessa said.

“I just wasn’t sure how to tell you,” Joan said.

“So you’ve been avoiding me? Because you didn’t have the decency to break up with me?”

“No,” Joan said. And then: “Maybe. Either way, it’s not going to work anymore.”

“I don’t agree,” Vanessa said, crossing her arms.

“What are we going to do? I’ll get a babysitter once a week and you and I can go out to dinner three towns over? And then I’ll rush to be home before the sitter has to leave?”

“Yes!” Vanessa said, shouting in a whisper. “That’s exactly what we’ll do. And I’ll drive you home. And I’ll stay in your room with you that one night a week and then I’ll sneak out before Frances wakes up. Yes!”

“That’s not a relationship!” Joan said, doing her best to keep her voice down.

“That’s what we can have!” Vanessa said. “And I’ll take anything I can have with you! Don’t you see that?”

“Well, I can’t ask that of you.”

“I’m asking it of you! I’ll sneak into your house just to kiss you once a week if that’s what I can get. I’ll wait until Frances is in college if that’s what I have to do. Are you insane, Joan? I want you. Forever. I told you that. I don’t care what it takes.”

Joan could barely catch her breath. She slumped herself down onto a kitchen chair and rested her head on the table.

“Jo, I don’t understand,” Vanessa said. “Why are you doing this?”

Joan looked up at her. Vanessa’s eyes were teary, her voice catching, her mouth turned down. “Please don’t do this. Please.”

All of Joan’s body went limp, and she began to sob.

“They know,” Joan said, finally.

“What?”

“They know. NASA knows.”

Vanessa blanched. “No, they don’t.”

“Yes, they do. I don’t know if we were too obvious. Or someone told them. A couple of months ago, Jimmy made a comment. I didn’t give it enough attention at the time. I can see now that I should have. He might have gone to Antonio. It doesn’t really matter how—they know.”

“That’s impossible. Steve told me Antonio had no idea.”

“Well, Steve was wrong.”

“But how?”

“Maybe Antonio knows the same way Donna or Jimmy figured it out,” Joan said. “I mean, we have been in a relationship for three years and it’s probably incredibly obvious. In ways we can’t see.”

Vanessa shook her head. “Maybe you misunderstood him.”

“I went to his office to talk about Mission Control, and I was about to leave, but before I got to the door, he calmly reminded me of the importance of security clearances for astronauts, and that they require no appearances of ‘sexual deviation.’ He said it leaves one open to blackmail.”

Vanessa flinched. “Well, yeah, it leaves us open to blackmail because people act like who we are is shameful. If we didn’t have to keep it a secret, then people wouldn’t be able to blackmail us,” she said. “Did he ever think about that?”

Joan shook her head and sighed.

Vanessa pushed on: “Did he say why he was telling you this, specifically?”

“He said it was because he knew me to have good, special relationships with many members of the astronaut corps, and that he trusted me to get this information to anyone who needed to hear it.”

“He meant me,” Vanessa said.

“Yes, he meant you.”

Vanessa put her knuckles to her mouth.

“What do we do?” Vanessa said.

“What I am doing,” Joan said. “This is what has to happen.”

Vanessa closed her eyes. Joan watched her chest rise and fall.

“You have to leave us,” Joan said. “With Frances here, the three of us spending time together, it’s only going to become more obvious. You have to leave us.”

“No—”

“You have to,” Joan said firmly. “I’m sure you’re okay for this mission because it’s happening so soon. But everything after that is at risk. You have to leave, or you will never fly the space shuttle.”

Vanessa did not say anything. She started tapping the counter with her fingers, over and over and over again. Joan buried her head in her arms on the dining table.

“Is that what you want me to do?” Vanessa said. “You want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Joan said. “That is what I want you to do.”

“Maybe you don’t want to lose your own job,” Vanessa said. “I wouldn’t blame you if you’re afraid to be unemployed, now that you’ve got a kid to take care of.”

Joan scoffed. “No.”

“Well, then why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” Vanessa said. “Instead of avoiding me?”

Because I do not know how to live my life without you. Because I don’t even recognize the person I was before I loved you. “Because . . .” Joan said. But she had no words.

“Then—”

“But this is final,” Joan said. “You have to go. I knew I couldn’t talk to you about it until I worked up enough nerve to see it through. But this is how it has to be. That’s never been clearer to me.”

Joan closed her eyes. When she opened them, Vanessa was standing in front of her, crying.

“Jo, please—”

“Vanessa, this is not up for debate. I will not allow you to give up everything you have worked toward. It’s over.”

Vanessa hung her head.

“Please do not call me,” Joan continued. “Please do not come back here.”

“How could you—”

“You will meet someone else,” Joan said. “Someone who is not in the corps. And you will be able to keep it a secret. A better secret than we have. You will be able to have everything you deserve. But you cannot have that with me.”

“I—”

Joan could not bear another second of this conversation. It had to be over. She stood up.

“Vanessa, just go,” Joan said.

“Joan—”

“You need to go. I’m asking you to leave my house,” Joan said.

“But Frances . . .” Vanessa said, a tear falling from her face. “You’re not even letting me say goodbye to Frances.”

“I know,” Joan said. “I will explain it all to Frances as best I can. She will be okay.”

Vanessa stared at her.

But Joan was right. And they both knew that.

Vanessa’s eyes narrowed, her lips tight. “I deserve to at least have a say in this,” she said.

Joan shook her head. “There is nothing left to say.”

“What an incredibly fucked-up thing to do,” Vanessa said.

“I don’t care,” Joan said.

Without saying another word, Vanessa grabbed her keys and left. For a moment, Joan thought she was going to slam the door, but she shut it quietly. And Joan knew it was so as not to wake up Frances. She wanted to run to Vanessa and tell her that she could not live without a woman who cared about her niece that much.

Instead, when the lock finally clicked, Joan fell to the living room floor and sobbed. She let it shake her body from her chest down through her legs. She was still crying when she pushed herself up to a sitting position. And through her tears, she could see that while she had been on the floor for only a few minutes, her tears had left a mark on the carpet.

And then the phone rang.

When Joan picked it up, she heard just one word.

“No.”

Joan’s breathing slowed, and she tried to dry her tears.

“No, Joan,” Vanessa said.

“Where are you?” Joan asked.

“I’m in the pay phone across the street because I assumed you would be a moron and not let me in,” Vanessa said.

Joan ran to the window.

There, at the phone, was Vanessa looking up at her. “No. Do you hear me?” Vanessa said. “No.”

“Vanessa, they won’t—”

“I listened to you. And you wouldn’t let me talk. But now it’s my turn. And you don’t get to talk. My answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t care what Antonio said. I don’t care what they can take from me. I don’t care if they never let me set foot in the fucking space shuttle ever again. No. I will not leave you and Frances. I will not. And you don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Joan wiped a tear from her eye and watched Vanessa yell at her from the pay phone.

“You have no right to tell me I don’t get a say in this,” Vanessa said. “And you have no right to do to me what you did tonight.”

“I’m sorry,” Joan said, “But—”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Vanessa shouted. “I didn’t ask to meet your niece and help you deal with your stupid sister and meet your parents and imagine a life where the two of us could have things that I never dreamed the world would let me have! I didn’t ask for that! That was you!”

“I—”

“And now, when one asshole scares you, you’re going to give it all up? No! I don’t accept it. I love you. And I love Frances, too, and you don’t get to take her away from me. Just because you’re scared. Or just because you think you know what’s best for me.”

“All you’ve ever wanted is to fly the shuttle,” Joan said.

“All I ever want ed —past tense,” Vanessa said. “But you changed what I wanted, and what I thought was possible.”

Vanessa started losing track of her breath as she broke down. “What an awful thing to do to a person! To make them believe they can have the things they never believed they deserved. And then take it away. What an awful thing.”

“I’m sorry,” Joan said. “I’m so sorry.”

Joan, staring out the window, saw Vanessa looking at up her. “Please don’t make me go,” Vanessa said, crying harder now. “Please.”

“But you might lose everything you dreamed of.”

“Then I’ll lose it,” Vanessa said. “Let them take it. Just don’t let them take you.”

Tears fell down Joan’s face.

“Will you come back up here?” Joan asked.

“Will you let me in and let me talk?” Vanessa asked.

“Yes,” Joan said. “Of course.”

Two minutes later, Vanessa was at Joan’s front door. Her face was red. Joan hated herself for ever making Vanessa cry like that. But denial wasn’t going to fix any of this.

“I’m not the one I’m worried about here. I don’t care if I lose my job,” Joan said. “I will find another one somewhere. At some university, if I have to. I’ll teach freshmen again if it comes to it. I don’t care. But you. You can’t give up what you’ve been working so hard for.”

“I told you,” Vanessa said. “I don’t care.”

“But I do,” Joan said. “Maybe you don’t care about yourself enough to do what’s smart, but I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t look out for you.”

Vanessa wiped the tear from Joan’s face.

“You don’t know what’s best for me,” Vanessa said. “As much as you may think you do.”

Joan sighed. “But . . .”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Vanessa said. “But if it’s you or the space shuttle . . . fuck the space shuttle.”

Joan dropped her head and laughed. Then she looked back up at Vanessa. “The woman I fell in love with would never have said that,” Joan said.

Vanessa smiled her lopsided grin. “Then I guess I’m not the woman you fell in love with.”

It was more than three years ago that Vanessa had pushed Joan up against the very door they now stood in front of.

Joan had told her that she thought she’d always be alone. Vanessa had told her that she thought she’d never have the things other people had.

But maybe they’d both been wrong.

Joan pulled Vanessa toward her and kissed her up against the door.

“We’re idiots, you know,” Joan said.

And Vanessa smiled. “I know.”

“So what’s your plan?” Joan said.

Vanessa shook her head. “I don’t have one. Yet. But I will figure it out.”

“Oh, you will, will you?”

“I will.”

“Well, why don’t we start with this?” Joan said. “Sneak out of here quietly. Don’t call me while you’re in quarantine. That way, they won’t have any good reason to stop you from getting on LR9. Then, once you’re back, we will find a way.”

“Okay,” Vanessa said, kissing her neck. “At least you’re CAPCOM. So pretty soon I’ll be able to hear your voice.”

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Joan said. “On the loop.”

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