Through Mom's Eyes: Simple Wisdom From Mothers Who Raised Extraordinary Humans by Sheinelle Jones - 15

Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself…So Many Things Don’t Matter

Denise Jonas, the Jonas Brothers’ mom

There is a Rumi quote I love: “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” Clearly, the thirteenth-century Persian poet and philosopher had kids.

There are times as a parent when we want to fuss (plenty, you might be thinking!), but instead of raising our voices when we feel this way, maybe we can pull from this timeless ancient saying to remind ourselves that there is sometimes a more nurturing, strategic approach—especially when what we really want is for our kids to listen.

I’ve found that, in the long run, it’s more sustainable for a peaceful household and my sanity to pick and choose my battles. Whether dealing with a stubborn toddler or a moody tween, I think there is a fine art to mastering the concept of when to lean in to discipline and when to just love ’em and let it go.

With four busy, bouncing boys, Denise Jonas—mom to the famous pop band the Jonas Brothers—tapped into that idea pretty early on. Married to her college sweetheart, Kevin Jonas Sr., when she was just nineteen years old, their oldest son, Kevin Jr., was born when she was twenty-one. Two years later, Joe arrived, followed by Nick when she was twenty-six. Her youngest son, Frankie, arrived eight years later and by the time he was in kindergarten, the older Jonas brothers were a bona fide band with a local following, breathlessly poised for the debut of their first album. It would not be their last.

To date, the Jonas Brothers have sold a combined twenty million albums and had a successful TV run with Disney, acting in sitcoms, reality shows, and movies. For years, their highly styled images graced the bedroom walls and must-have paraphernalia of tweens and teens everywhere. In 2008, they became the youngest band featured on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in the US, and they launched their first world tour in 2009. Later that same year, Nick launched another band, Nick Jonas & the Administration, marking the beginning of the brothers’ yearslong forays into solo success. Yet, despite their differences and individual ambitions, they have endured as a band for most of twenty years. Largely this is because they are a band second and a family first—a family whose culture has been shaped to a great degree by Denise.

During her brood’s early years, as opposed to yelling all day and trying to keep the house in perfect shape, Denise says she often chose to let them be—within boundaries, of course. But when you’re raising four boys—three close in age—even basic expectations may have to be adjusted. Like, for example, a couch is not just a couch. It can be a bed, a trampoline, or goodness knows what else.

“Life in our home was always exciting,” Denise says, smiling at the memories. “Laughter, things breaking because of all kind of acrobatics and gymnastics and wrestling. We had a big basement when we lived in New Jersey, it was their playground. They roller-skated down there, skateboarded, they built forts, stages, it was unbelievable. Everybody slept over there when they came over. It made me very happy. There was always breakfast on the table in the morning.”

Clearly a point of pride and joy for her, Denise says she loved to cook three meals a day when her sons were growing up. In fact, these days, long since they’ve moved on to their own lives, the guys still come asking for some of their favorites from time to time, whether it’s Nick’s breakfast casserole, or Joe’s taco soup.

The world has watched the Jonas Brothers grow from talented boys to successful men. There were various solo projects (including marriages), periods of hiatus, highly publicized rifts, reunions, and comebacks. In 2023, they received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and released a new album, proving their resiliency.

I meet Denise at their family’s restaurant, Nellie’s Southern Kitchen in Belmont, North Carolina. It is named after Kevin Sr.’s grandmother and boasts a menu of homestyle comfort food, like chicken and dumplings and warm biscuits with gravy. Whether in Belmont or Nellie’s Las Vegas location, I’m sure some patrons come in hoping they’ll get lucky and score a Jonas brother sighting along with their banana pudding.

Before the boys’ career took off and their dad became their manager, he was a pastor and an ordained minister at their church. Not surprisingly, that made for a religion-centered upbringing. With all that swelling testosterone, arguments were to be expected but the rule was: you can problem solve with healthy confrontation, but putting another brother down or being hurtful with words was not accepted.

“I tended to be strict,” Denise says. “I was also very orderly, very neat, very clean. I just trained them from a young age how to do that.” I literally leaned in as she explained how.

“We lived in an apartment in Texas before we moved to New Jersey,” she recalls. “I put a blue and a white hamper in their closet so they would learn to separate clothes, because I had to haul the laundry downstairs that we all shared in the apartment complex. So, I just made it a little easier on myself. I felt like I needed to give them skills for their life. Early on, my husband and I felt like, we’re not just raising kids, we’re raising adults.” A lightbulb goes on in my head; I have never really thought about parenting this way and I’m impressed that, even as a young mom, she had this part figured out.

“They’re gonna be adults a lot longer than they’re kids at home, and we wanted to raise them with the integrity and the moral values to help them be leaders in their community, achievers, great spouses, and fathers—eventually.” It’s so easy to get lost in the first-responder level stresses and basic needs of each child-rearing moment and forget the long-game. But keeping those long-term goals in mind can really keep your short-game centered.

I will admit, I didn’t learn how to do my own laundry until I got to college. I don’t know how my own mother did it all until then. In my early days as part of a blended family, there were five of us and my mom would keep piles of laundry separated on the cement floors of our unfinished basement. We kids would just play around them or, sometimes, jump right into the piles for fun, laughing as clothes scattered, never thinking to repair the piles.

Roller-skating around the clothes waiting to be washed, while obliviously belting out Kool & the Gang’s hit song “Celebration,” is one of my fondest memories. Now, having logged some time as my own family’s “laundress,” I cringe at the thought! As a child, if I was looking for, say, a pair of jeans as I dressed for school, I’d call out, “Mom, did my jeans come up yet?” Can you imagine? It was as if I actually thought that laundry magically came up the stairs and folded itself into my drawers. Of course, I now know there is no Laundry Fairy. Rather my mom was just working overtime. So, let me say this clearly, on behalf of my younger self: Thanks, Mom (and, I’m sorry)!

Being a mother has made me appreciate everything my mom did for us, but sometimes we just don’t know until we know! So, if your kids haven’t said thank you lately, let me take a moment to tell you: you’re amazing.

Maybe you have that rare child who sees all that you’re doing and eagerly pitches in or tries to lessen your load. While it would be nice, that’s not something you can necessarily cultivate in a child. With four, Denise is quick to acknowledge that every child is their own individual and she advocates “being a student of your child” and trying to adapt your parenting strategies accordingly.

“All four of my boys were completely different [in terms of their] personalities and what they were good at,” she says. “So knowing how to deliver that message of chores or grace was definitely a learning curve. I joke and Kevin [Jr.] understands, the first pancake doesn’t always come out that good. It may be dis-shaped,” she says with a huge laugh.

“But it all worked out!” I offer.

“It all worked out.” She smiles.

Denise says it helped that faith and music were at the center of their family life. She says that began with Kevin Sr.’s own love for writing and performing. After trying to make a career of it early in their marriage, he moved on. But when they had kids, he spotted talent in the boys.

“[Kevin Jr.] was three,” Denise recalls. “He was singing a song and walking, and he hit a wrong note…and he backed up, as if to rewind! Then he started walking again, singing, and he sang it correctly. My husband was like, ‘This one is beyond me.’ ”

As the boys grew, their talent blossomed further. “They all participated in music. Joseph would sit at the piano and just play, like, phenomenally. At five years old, he didn’t play proper notes, but what he did and what he felt was so passionate.” In other words, where some might have heard noise, these parents heard blooming talent.

“Kevin was always the outgoing one,” she went on. “He was always, like, the mayor. He’s a salesman. He could sell you anything. He was always creating, the entrepreneur. And now, you know, Kevin has designed their sets for their stage.”

Denise acknowledges that it can be hard to be attuned to your kids’ passions, especially when we’re often just trying to get through the day. Parents don’t always have the time or energy or presence of mind to pay attention—even to the things you don’t want to miss. There’s also the issue of how to fully support the development of multiple kids’ gifts and dreams. But for Denise this is sort of a no-excuses zone.

“If I can share one thing that was interesting to me that I learned with other families, they’d have, say, three children, and they’d have one that was really talented in one area, but [the parents] chose not to pursue it because they didn’t think they could support the other two in that area. That always bewildered me because we didn’t come from great means. We got a pastor’s salary. We had what we needed, but we didn’t have excess to do things.” They made sacrifices where they could and found creative ways to encourage the boys’ interests.

The similarity of talents and passions in their first three sons made this easier in some respects, but more challenging in others. Says Denise: “We wanted the boys to celebrate each other’s wins, and not to be hurt or jealous.”

Like a lot of siblings, the Jonas boys were competitive, but their “wins” varied. While she was pregnant with her fourth son, Nick auditioned for and landed a role on Broadway, and commercials soon followed for her other two.

“I basically had a full-time job driving them to New York (from New Jersey) every day, I had responsibilities at our church that we pastored. I look back and it’s like, ‘How did I do that?’ It’s amazing the capacity you can have and the grace you’re given every day to do whatever task is in front of you. I was drivin’ in with a baby that I was breastfeeding, walking him in the carriage in the snow, and sittin’ in Madison Square Garden, in the hallway by the bathroom, going into the stall and feeding him.”

It’s fair to say, she juggled a lot in those days. But she says seeing her boys fulfilled made it all worth it.

She is also open about the challenges for her husband. He ultimately resigned from leading their church after members of the congregation complained that he was overly occupied with his sons. The break was a hardship, financially and emotionally, at first. But he and Denise believed in their boys’ talent and pressed on, with Kevin fully devoting his time to managing their careers. Needless to say, they have no regrets about that, and Denise says, no matter what a child’s goals are, a parent’s belief in them is key.

“Say they wanna be a judge or a lawyer, a nurse or a musician, don’t pooh-pooh that,” she insists. Even if your kid is into something that seems unrealistic, it’s important for you to encourage them to at least try it, she says, adding, “Their interests will change if it’s not the right thing.”

With her husband squarely in the business with their boys, I ask Denise about her role.

“I was Mom,” she says proudly. “They started touring in the tristate area, with the early morning school assemblies. I had Franklin, who was two years old, and I couldn’t just pick up and leave. So, yeah, I was Mom. When they’d come home, there was always a meal.”

The band’s popularity quickly began to soar, the biggest challenge of which, she says, was staying flexible. “You usually don’t know things very far in advance. We’d have to drop everything or pack everything and go, for touring. We didn’t want our family to be apart which, looking back, I’m sure was difficult for them at times as they got older.”

It was difficult for Denise too, because she watched her role change as a mother. It didn’t matter that her children were famous; just as any mother feels when their kids don’t need to rely on them for meals, or even laundry, anymore. It was tough, and she struggled to maintain a sense of normalcy.

But she remembers a distinct moment in 2008 when she realized her sons’ careers were really changing. The boys were on tour as part of a music deal with Disney and they were starting to appear in music videos on the Disney network. While headed to the Texas State Fair to perform, she got a call from her husband.

“He says, ‘Babe, we can’t get to the venue. The roads are all backed up for miles and miles.’ ”

Turns out, the crush of cars blocking their path were all lined up to see her boys and the promoter ended up having to send a helicopter to airlift them to their show. Denise was right, things were never quite “normal” again after that.

Bring on the screaming girls.

“It’s funny,” Denise says, reflecting on how it feels to have your children become teen idols. “I remember I was in love with [ Star Wars’ ] Mark Hamill. I thought I was going to marry him for a whole year. I had a diary when I was, like, twelve. I wrote in it every day that he’s gonna find me.” We share a laugh, as I imagine the countless girls around the world who dreamed of marrying a Jonas brother—as actress Priyanka Chopra, who married Nick, ultimately would.

Despite how surreal life must have seemed at times, for a while, it seems the Jonas family kept a very grounded balance. Denise stayed at home and cared for Franklin, and her husband would go out with the other sons on tour. But then, they hit a serious wall.

“Nick came back home, and he was so thin,” Denise recalls. “Nick was always naturally buff…and something wasn’t right. He was thirsty, he wanted to eat, but he was continuing to be thin, losing weight.”

One day, she found him at a pool party sitting alone with his mouth open, appearing emaciated. A hospital visit confirmed that his blood sugar levels were sky-high. Nick had diabetes, and Denise was told if they had waited any longer, he could have gone into a coma or lost a limb, finger, or toe. During his three-day hospital stay, she educated herself as much as she could about his condition, soon realizing that their daily routines and her peace of mind would be forever altered. While kids are so resilient, as a mom, Denise felt a wave of emotions, including the guilt of wondering if there was something she could’ve done to prevent it.

“Then you have anger,” she says. “Then you feel sorrow and grief because your child has lost something. I just remember Joe coming to the hospital and, poor Joe, he walked in to see him, and he turned right back around and just blacked out in the hallway. Just the pain for his brother, you know?”

Nick has become a huge ambassador for juvenile diabetes awareness for families. We’ve interviewed him on The Today Show about it many times. And, with support and the right medication, he has been able to thrive.

Each of her boys has, including Frankie who has also been open about the challenges of being the younger brother of the Jonas Brothers. He is pursuing his own solo career, while the other brothers continue to build on theirs and build families of their own. Kevin and his wife, Danielle, have two children, and Nick and Priyanka have done projects together. In 2024, Joe separated from his wife, actress Sophie Turner, and they coparent two children together.

“The most rewarding part is that they still love me,” Denise says, “that I’m in their lives, and I get to be in their children’s lives, and they call me. You know, the busyness of their life doesn’t get in the way of Mom and Dad and the family.” She doesn’t say it, but I can read between the lines what every experienced mom says: it all goes so fast.

My mind drifted to the time after my first son was born and I alternated black nursing tank tops from Target for at least two months. I would see pictures of new moms out and about, wearing chic sunglasses and pushing fancy strollers and I’d think to myself, Why can’t I get it together? Instead, I’m sitting here with stains on my tank, I’m exhausted, and haven’t left the house for weeks. Did I quietly wish this phase would end soon? I did.

Fast-forward to the days when I was on my own after work, with infant twins and a toddler, and I always felt like there wasn’t enough time in the day. My aunt would come over and help me fold what felt like endless pieces of laundry. Did I quietly wish this phase would end? I did. Listening to Denise reminded me that, if we’re not careful, we’ll spend so much time longing for the next phase, that we don’t ever appreciate the gifts baked into the phase we’re in. Even if it’s all chaos and sleep deprivation and incredibly unstylish stained tank tops, it’s likely also baby smells (the sweet kind!), toothless grins, and the incredible stream of firsts: sleeping through the night, solo steps, potty placements, rides without training wheels.

For Denise, the adjustment was a bit different than it would be for most of us.

“I realized my role was being taken now by people that were paid. There was a catering company that cooks the meals, there’s someone who dresses them, does their laundry, irons everything. I’m just there and I’m living out of a bus and a suitcase and it’s like, okay what do I do? It was tough.”

Like many moms, she had to talk herself into the acceptance of this new reality.

“I had to learn how to just say, ‘I’m gonna enjoy this.’ I mean, there were plenty of times I didn’t. I was going through menopause early during that time. That was hard.”

“On a bus?” I sympathize.

“Yeah!” She laughs. “For several years it was tough on my family, on my husband, but I did it. I’m past it. Got through it. Everything is a season. You start to realize when that next season’s coming and this one’s coming to an end.”

“Do you miss it?” I ask.

“At times,” she says, wistfully. On the other hand, she adds, “I’m embracing this empty nest time, you know.” Forty years into their marriage, she and her husband are still each other’s best friends. They are also now grandparents, a season Denise entered in her early fifties. She is called “Glammy” by her sons’ children because “I felt like I was too young to become a grandmother, so [the band’s] tour director’s wife says, ‘You’re not ‘Grandma,’ you are gonna be called ‘Glamma!’ ”

And after decades of raising boys, she finally gets to buy “bows and dresses,” thanks to her five granddaughters.

“I tell you, I love it so much. It’s really great being a grandma. Our only job is to love them. We’re not responsible for having to teach them to separate laundry in a blue and a white bucket. But we’ll help them along the way—and they love when I cook or bake.”

“Do you ever ‘exhale’ as a mother?” I ask.

“You’re always their parent and you know the things they’ve experienced that nobody else sees,” Denise says. “You know the hardships they may be facing, the challenges. I think the ‘exhale’ is, ‘okay, they’re not ours anymore.’ ”

They’re also no longer children. So, what’s a mom’s role when her grown kids argue, as siblings of all ages sometimes do? “They’re men, you know? I walk outta the room.”

As we walk down a long hallway in the back of the restaurant lined with framed memorabilia of the boys’ journey through pop stardom, I stare at their pictures across the years, of the boys with presidents, tweens in movie scenes, pictures of gigantic crowds, plaques commemorating sales milestones and worldwide success. It’s a panoramic window into how far they’ve come since the early days of Joe plunking keys on a piano, or Denise shuffling the band to auditions with Frankie on her hip, still in diapers. As familiar as this little trip down memory lane is to her, Denise says it never gets old. For her, it triggers memories of not just the high times, but the low ones—and she appreciates them all.

As their mother, “You know how hard they work,” she says. “You’ve seen ’em at the end of the day when they’re exhausted, or they’ve just traveled to seven time zones. So, I never get tired of screams from the fans, I never get tired of seeing their faces on magazines, or in music or TV ads.”

When I ask if she has advice for the rest of us, it’s as if she reads my mind: “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Denise tells me, adding that we also shouldn’t shoulder the full weight of raising our kids alone. “Surround yourself with others that can support you and your family because your kids always need other people in their lives. It’s hard to just have mom and dad. They need others that will be supports in their lives. That was instrumental. We always had people in the house. It shapes their lives, you know? It takes a village.”

On a final note, she adds another bit of advice that’s so cliché and familiar, we stop hearing it. But I feel sure it’s as important as any advice any mom will ever get: Don’t sweat the small stuff.

“I’ve gotten older and I realize so many things don’t matter,” Denise says. “I wish I could have learned that at eighteen. It’s just so freeing.”

My mother taught me resilience. For her it was both everyday resilience—the small failures or obstacles at work and in life that you need to overcome in order to succeed—and heroic resilience, like she displayed on 9/11 when she was twice buried under the fallen towers and then remained on the scene to set up a triage center for her fellow first responders.

I’m fortunate to work in an industry where success or failure is not a matter of life and death. But I still think of my mother during the many times I fail at my job. Probably ninety percent of what I write is thrown straight into a trash can. I try to remember: if my mom was able to succeed despite everything she had to overcome, then I can certainly survive my sketch getting cut at SNL .

—Colin Jost, comedian/writer, Saturday Night Live