Through Mom's Eyes: Simple Wisdom From Mothers Who Raised Extraordinary Humans by Sheinelle Jones - 16

This Too Shall Pass—but Don’t Wish It Away

Paige Lankford, Thomas Rhett’s mom

Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter Thomas Rhett isn’t just one of country music’s most celebrated sons, he is a consistent Today Show favorite. Not only is he a big crowd pleaser on our plaza, our team behind the scenes always comments on how genuinely warm and gracious he is. So I was super eager to meet his mom, Paige, in hopes of understanding what it takes to raise a child who is not only talented, but who is also kind and commands admiration and respect wherever he goes—and not just from his fans.

It turns out Thomas learned how to shine onstage from his dad, country singer-songwriter Rhett Akins. When Papa Rhett toured, Thomas and his little sister, Kasey, were often around to soak in the action and it was clear pretty early that Thomas inherited his dad’s natural affinity for music. He also loved to perform. When it came to learning how to shine offstage though, Thomas routinely credits his morals and the way he views life to his mother and what she instilled in him as a child.

Paige, who was married and became a mom at nineteen, says she’s always touched when she hears her son speak so reverently of how she raised him. But today, as a remarried mother of three in a blended family that includes in-laws and grandchildren, she knows a mother’s journey is always more complicated than her children realize, and she refuses to take all of that credit.

“It’s never just one person,” Paige insists. “When you’re doin’ it, when you’re in the midst of it, you’re like, ‘Oh, what am I doing?’ Honestly, thirty years ago, I had never even heard of meal prep,” she adds, laughing. I—a not-quite-shameless non-cook—laugh too. Paige found that having others around to fill in those gaps was key, not just for her own development, but also for her young family. “You surround your kids [with] good people,” she says, “and they will eventually become good people.”

Paige recalls the vibrant Tennessee neighborhood they lived in back then with fondness. They were part of a community that became like kin, including fellow country stars like Reba McEntire. Even though Paige and Thomas’s father, Rhett, got divorced when their son was nine, she still becomes wistful talking about their early life together in Hendersonville, where the neighbors would move among each other’s houses without fanfare or invitation, visiting, helping each other out, and often sharing meals.

“Luckily I had a village of friends around me, and we all raised our children together,” Paige says. “It was kind of crazy and we would go out on the road some. But, to me, that was harder than just staying at home with [the children] and doing it by myself.” With her then husband so often away, members of Paige’s family would occasionally come to town from Georgia to help her out—another lifesaver.

Listening to her reflect on those years, I couldn’t help but think of my own family’s life in New York City. My husband, Uche, and I moved to the Big Apple chasing big dreams, but I don’t think we fully understood what it would mean to live in a place like Manhattan without the comfort and extra sets of hands, homes, and hearts that come with having family nearby. Having grown up in a close extended family, I took all of the benefits that came with that for granted until I was a parent of two sons and a daughter living in a place where I had to hire people to pinch-hit for our family the way one of my grandparents, or an aunt or uncle, always had for me as a child.

I realize that family proximity doesn’t always translate to family support but, when it does, there’s nothing like it—especially when you have to work odd hours or travel a lot while juggling the demands of multiple kids. When I first met my husband, I thought it was interesting that in his Nigerian culture, many close family friends are referred to as “aunt” or “uncle.” We’ve passed that notion of family on to our children. I confess to having occasional family-envy for friends who have the luxury of helpful blood relatives to rely on, daily. At the same time, I remind myself that while I may miss the comfort that can come with that proximity, as long as my children’s needs are met, they’ll be just fine with what they have. It’s also all they know.

It takes time and effort (and an occasional leap of faith)—and it’s always a work in progress—but I’ve curated my own community of trust that my family and I can dependably turn to. I’m grateful for it. Yet it’s still easy to let guilt creep into your heart when you can’t be at every game, lesson, or activity—even if you’ve made sure someone else is there for your child. So, Paige’s affirmations were music to my ears. She seemed to be saying, you know what? It’s okay! Your kids need the village. They need the teacher, the coach, the “aunts” and “uncles,” the babysitter, and whoever else you trust to be in their world. None of us can raise our kids completely alone. Paige spoke life into my nagging self-doubt by insisting that our children are actually better off when we embrace that. There are also lessons in everything and seeing who you choose to surround yourself and your family with helps your children make those important “birds-of-a-feather” choices too.

Reflecting on Thomas’s teenage years, Paige insists “he was really easy to raise.” To be sure, there were pivotal moments that put everything she believed to the test, like when he opted to drop out of college in the midst of his junior year to sign his first contract with a music publisher. Thomas was sure this was the big break he needed but Paige pushed back hard at first. After all, he only had a year and a half left to finish college. But Thomas was insistent and, after meeting with the publisher herself, Paige gave the deal her blessing.

Things clearly worked out (even better than she or Thomas would have dared predict at the time), but Paige admits it was a tough call that she really struggled with. So many decisions we make as parents are really just educated guesses. We can do all our research, get the best advice, consult, collaborate, and pray over them, but, without a crystal ball, we never know which decisions will turn out well and which won’t. In most cases, it’s impossible to be one hundred percent certain that the decisions we make are truly right versus just right, for right now. Paige couldn’t be sure that her son would never regret his decision. What she became sure of, was that she could support him in his decisions, regardless of the eventual outcome. And what allowed her to do that was that her son’s instincts had rarely failed him—and his lifelong friendships were a prime example of that. Thomas’s fans all know he met his wife, Lauren, in the first grade. Less known is how close he has stayed to other friends he made growing up.

“Honestly, I had him at such a young age, I had no idea what I was doing,” Paige admits. “I was raised Church of Christ, and we were at church every time the doors were open Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. That’s how I raised my kids. He got involved in the youth group, and he just fell in love with a great group of kids and it carried him all the way through his life. I think if you can teach your kids how to pick people that are good for them, that is very helpful.”

Paige has also taught her children about the sanctity of those close relationships, even when they don’t turn out the way you hoped. Not yet thirty when her marriage to Thomas and Kasey’s father ended, she was determined to keep their divorce as amicable as possible, saying, “If you create problems there, it creates problems for your kids.” She feels strongly that her doing so paid off. As a child of divorce myself, I’m grateful that my mom felt the same way.

My mom and dad split up when I was a baby and, to this day, I’ve never heard them say a negative word about each other. I know divorces can turn ugly for all sorts of reasons but it’s important to remember that divorce is never a child’s fault. For what it’s worth, I think I was spared a lot of trauma because I was never forced to hear (or even overhear) anything mean or inappropriate, or put in the middle of my parents’ differences with each other.

Now, as an adult, I have much more appreciation for what that must have taken and how hard my parents tried to minimize the fallout for me. Paige and her ex-husband did also and, even decades later, she is adamant about one pointed piece of advice for divorced moms: “Don’t ever bad-mouth your ex, because that is [your children’s] father and you married him for a reason. [He has] some good in him, so just keep all [the rest] to yourself.”

Interestingly, when asked about her toughest mothering moments, the times when she just wasn’t sure she was up to it and wondered if she could manage anymore, none of these huge, difficult, life-changing issues come up. Instead, Paige recounts the everyday nightmares every mom faces at times. “Like when they would both get the flu and you’d be by yourself,” Paige says. “You know, fever is happening and one of them might be asleep, and the other one wakes up, somebody starts throwing up, and then you know you’re just kind of surviving at that point.”

I nod, instantly wishing I didn’t know exactly what she means. But it’s encouraging to hear that this seasoned mom—now grandmother—felt just as wrecked, frustrated, and overwhelmed as most of us do in those moments. Listening to her share, I also had a revelation: No matter how tough things get as you raise kids, none of it lasts forever! They fall down and get up. You fall down and get up. You hit the wall together and figure it out together and maybe even laugh later about the things that felt so all-consuming for a time. But in every instance, life goes on .

“My biggest advice,” she says, “is to not wish it away. You know, when they’re little and you’re in the throw up and food flying everywhere [phase]? It’s easy to go, ‘Oh, I can’t wait until they’re older.’ But then they’re teenagers, and that’s way harder than when they’re little. Then you have to get through that phase. So, I just say, live in every moment. Yeah, you’re going to be tired. But don’t wish it away.”

As the mom of a new high schooler, I take that advice to heart. Thanks to all the perspective I’ve gained from so many of these interviews, I even find myself grinning as I think, It’s okay. Bring it. All of it. I’m here for it, understanding that there are gifts everywhere, even buried in the mess. Grateful for her advice, I tuck it away. And on we go.